Woman User Guide: Six Easy Steps

Men think that women are very demanding. They are oohing and aahing about it. Women are always clamouring for gifts (better expensive ones) and attention, and if they don’t get enough, they start to feel hurt, write nasty MySpace posts, moan and groan “you don’t love me!”, “you only care about yourself”, “I can’t bear this anymore”, “I am leaving”, “I need you to prove your love”, and so on and so forth. Hassling policy. After all, it’s so easy for a man to get a humble and obedient girl-friend/lover-girl/wife who is always happy, joyful, sweet and smiling, who will not complain of lack of presents and who will never say a single rude word. This is because women are shallow and primitive creatures. As bromide as sour milk. They want romance and fine words. They want to be wanted all the time. And when they are wanted, they only want it more. No matter if a woman has children or not, if her boobs are big or small, if she is smart and witty or green and stupid, if she is a cynic or a drizzle. The woman control strategy is pretty simple and the same for everyone (euphoriant).

The key rule is: you should be easy on women (this is because see above: “women are shallow and primitive”).

1. Presence effect

You can live together or just go out – that’s not the point. It’s important to create presence effect. You can use anything – IM, e-mail, phone, sms. Better to use non-verbal ways. The main thing is not to overdo – otherwise, they’ll get mad (those who are PR girls and cynics; silly girls from a teacher’s college will hardly get mad but you’d better not take any risks). 3 sms per day is ok. The ratio is: 30% of ooly-drooly, 50% of humour and 20% of sex (for PR girls you can do 40% of sex and cut down ooly-drooly). “Good morning hun”, “Good night bb”, “I miss you so much”, “I want you so bad!!!”, etc. Or just silly quotes not to the point out of movies, books, songs and common life like “Dr. Evil, how do you like Space?”, “Honey, pass me the salt please”, “Who’s your daddy now?”, “You’re alright star” (Robby). Just give way to your imagination. And the shallow woman will be kicking up heels as she really believes you are thinking about her night and day (and this is just what she needs).

2. Sweet little things

Everything is simple here. It’s the thought that counts. Flowers on a black-letter day (better keep it regular, at least once a month or two months… if you want pomp, send it to her office, say, on some occasion… very bromide but everyone is screaming), a Spunch Bob trinket (if she loves Spunch Bob), a Hello Kitty hairclip (if she loves Hello Kitty), a dvd with a Tinto Brass movie (“hun, it’s all about you”), a disk with a cool music downloaded from torrents, etc. Once I knew a designer who was making a flash intro for a soap brand (your ad could be here!) with blossoming white roses and the logo turning up. He replaced the logo with a pop-up message “Cindy, let’s fuck!” and gave it to me as a gift together with three white roses. Of course, Cindy was unable to say ‘No’ to the pop-up message. In one word, such little things are tremendously touching and euphoriant and they also make women think you are thinking about them all the time.

3. Compliments

Fish stories are allowed. The main thing is to believe in what you’re saying as sincerity makes it a success. This is because (see above) “women want to be wanted al the time”. This is also because most women are mentally unstable tight-assed psychos. Therefore, more phrases like “you’re so hot-looking today”, “dude, how pretty you are”, “I love that open blouse you wear”. Regular sex phrases are “sex with you is the best sex in my life”, “I love your boobs” (I am telling you, she won’t forget these words till the end of days), “you’re so good at blow job” (she will never stop blowing). It’s important to say she is smart, not only pretty. And to say she is pretty, not only smart. Then the woman will again be out of it, thinking she is most pretty, most smart and most sexy, which means everyone wants her (and this is what she needs).

4. Initiative

Zool! Zaratustra says. Going to visit a woman, take a lash. Nietzsche is a genius! “Today we’re gonna do this and that”, “This weekend I’ve thought about this”, “We’ll be going to the cinema on Thursdays”, etc. Here she is also out of it, thinking with you she is safe as houses.

5. Hollywood kiss

Not often. But regularly. Women want a movie-like kiss. You can see the example in the 3rd season of “Lost”, when Soyer kisses Kate. Remember how he grasped her head with both hands? There is no woman who wouldn’t be dreaming to be kissed that way, and there is no man who would be able to do that.

6. Gallery play

This means, in front of her friends. Nothing is more satisfying than their envious mugs at the moment when you’re stirring sugar in her tea or helping her to take off the shoes.

I guess it’s enough

I could say much more but I’m already lazy about doing that :)

Girls are welcome to add their remarks. Guys can argue, but would be better if they wrote the same thing about men :)